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[devoutish]

Yeah?

[That's it, that's all you get.]

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[devoutish]

Does being quiet work to stop it? Can you do that?

[bywolves]

[ He tries. He tries staying quiet, but: ] No. No, I have to answer you.

[devoutish]

I'll try to talk less, then. If you'd like.

But you know you can tell me anything you would like, eh?

[bywolves]

You need to know everything. [ Fuck. ] I - mean. [ He's trying very hard to think of loopholes around the truth. Finally: ] I don't want to worry you with every thought in my head.

[devoutish]

It's no worry. It's not.

[termineur]

[ He chuckles at that. ]

I'd really prefer easier-to-work-with, but we'll see what we end up with. We really only need one person as hard to get along with as House, and we've got two. Sherlock's even worse, honestly- he just stays out of the way of most people because they don't interest him.

I used to be good at this sort of thing, myself, but this place- [ The amount of emphasis and drama on that word was way more than he intended, and he stops for a moment. ] Well, you understand how it takes bits of you, I'm sure. Don't have my ability, always in the wrong place, and now I can't keep my mind on what I want most of the time. It's infuriating.

cw: suicide reference

[bywolves]

It is. I don't want to be a burden. [ It spills out, and he hates that he's saying it, that he can't stop himself. ] I already killed myself, Solomons, I have enough of a -- a hole to fill in. To get to even ground.

[devoutish]

No.

[He shakes his head, hard, even though the video's off.]

You're not a burden, not ever, not to me. End of, yeah? End fucking of.

[bywolves]

[ There's another long pause. ]

That doesn't stop me from feeling like one.

[devoutish]

Royce. Royce--

[He has to pause and breathe for a moment before he can get the words out.]

It's worse if you say nothing; if you hide. That's more of a burden than anything else, to me and to you.

[bywolves]

It's never been that way before. [ Royce says, again like it's ripped out of him. He doesn't want to say any of this. ] I can't show signs of weakness or I'll be dead first, that's how it's always worked --

[ He's going to stop in the snow and shove something in his mouth to stop himself from talking - he hates this, he hates violations of privacy or control like these death prices, the ones that make him do what he normally wouldn't. ]

[devoutish]

I know. I know, I know, I know; I do. For me, too, yeah? I'm not suggesting you lay yourself bare all the time, to everyone, but when you need to talk--

[bywolves]

[ He doesn't answer because he's trying very hard to gag himself. It's not that he doesn't want to talk about it, he just wants to talk about it on his own terms. Not because a death price is forcing him. ]

[devoutish]

You're not gonna tell me to stay away, are you?

[bywolves]

[ He's tempted. He really is. But he doesn't want to be alone, and more than that, he doesn't want Alfie to be alone. Even if Alfie is with other people. ]

No. [ He says after a moment, quietly into his tablet. ] No, I don't want to be alone. I'm coming.

[devoutish]

[Well, that's a relief.]

I'm coming, too.

[bywolves]

Okay. [ He says, after taking a deep breath. ] I'll stay on until I can hear you.

[devoutish]

[And that Alfie gets, too.]

Always was good at keeping my head, at home. Even in the war. You point a gun at my face and I don't even blink; I was proud of that.

But here, it's different.

[termineur]

Yeah. It gets in your head, here. Literally. Messes around with things that should be untouchable. It's a different kind of horror.

At least, I assume. I've never been in a war. But I don't think anyone's been actively altering brain chemestries during one.

[devoutish]

Yeah, it's different. Worse in some ways, better than others. The scale was greater.

[termineur]

Yeah. There were a lot more people involved. Here, it feels like we're the only ones left on the planet. Might be true, might not. It's not our planet, so I guess it doesn't matter. But it feels awfully lonely, for someone from New York City. There's not even enough people here to make a crowd, even if we could all stick together.

Maybe that's a relief for some people, that less of us have to go through this.

[devoutish]

It can be both, can't it. More lonely, but a relief all the same.

[termineur]

I guess. If there were more people, then maybe we'd be further along. Or someone would've noticed what happened. There's enough 'magic' universes for someone to be versed in trans-universal teleportation.

[ There's a short pause, and then he sort of chuckles at himself. ]

Eh, I'm just looking for some other way, something that'd give us an advantage. But we still don't know enough about what's even going on to know what we'd need. Wouldn't mind more programmers, though, too. Makes me wish I actually picked up that talking-to-computers ability I heard about awhile back, just in case.

[devoutish]

What was the man like, that you would have had to kill to do that?

[termineur]

Ah-

[ That actually brings him up short for a moment, a difficult task at this stage. But he realizes he let his mouth run a little too wild. ]

Micah Sanders. He was just a kid. Eleven years old, smart. Probably smarter than his parents, after everything I heard about them. I wouldn't have- I don't think I would've gone after him, even without what I've learned here.