IC contact for snowblindrpg

[devoutish]

Yeah?

[That's it, that's all you get.]

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[bywolves]

It must be. [ Which he doesn't like. No filter sounds awful. ] It feels like something's compelling me to tell you -- to tell you the truth.

[devoutish]

Does being quiet work to stop it? Can you do that?

[bywolves]

[ He tries. He tries staying quiet, but: ] No. No, I have to answer you.

[devoutish]

I'll try to talk less, then. If you'd like.

But you know you can tell me anything you would like, eh?

[bywolves]

You need to know everything. [ Fuck. ] I - mean. [ He's trying very hard to think of loopholes around the truth. Finally: ] I don't want to worry you with every thought in my head.

[devoutish]

It's no worry. It's not.

cw: suicide reference

[bywolves]

It is. I don't want to be a burden. [ It spills out, and he hates that he's saying it, that he can't stop himself. ] I already killed myself, Solomons, I have enough of a -- a hole to fill in. To get to even ground.

[devoutish]

No.

[He shakes his head, hard, even though the video's off.]

You're not a burden, not ever, not to me. End of, yeah? End fucking of.

[bywolves]

[ There's another long pause. ]

That doesn't stop me from feeling like one.

[devoutish]

Royce. Royce--

[He has to pause and breathe for a moment before he can get the words out.]

It's worse if you say nothing; if you hide. That's more of a burden than anything else, to me and to you.

[bywolves]

It's never been that way before. [ Royce says, again like it's ripped out of him. He doesn't want to say any of this. ] I can't show signs of weakness or I'll be dead first, that's how it's always worked --

[ He's going to stop in the snow and shove something in his mouth to stop himself from talking - he hates this, he hates violations of privacy or control like these death prices, the ones that make him do what he normally wouldn't. ]

[devoutish]

I know. I know, I know, I know; I do. For me, too, yeah? I'm not suggesting you lay yourself bare all the time, to everyone, but when you need to talk--

[bywolves]

[ He doesn't answer because he's trying very hard to gag himself. It's not that he doesn't want to talk about it, he just wants to talk about it on his own terms. Not because a death price is forcing him. ]

[devoutish]

You're not gonna tell me to stay away, are you?

[bywolves]

[ He's tempted. He really is. But he doesn't want to be alone, and more than that, he doesn't want Alfie to be alone. Even if Alfie is with other people. ]

No. [ He says after a moment, quietly into his tablet. ] No, I don't want to be alone. I'm coming.

[devoutish]

[Well, that's a relief.]

I'm coming, too.

[bywolves]

Okay. [ He says, after taking a deep breath. ] I'll stay on until I can hear you.