IC contact for wethelost

[devoutish]

Solomons & Melborn
1108 Sweet Cream Street

[Feel free to use this space for letter/package deliveries as well as visits/knocks on the front door!]

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[devoutish]

Do you remember what I said when you brought it up last time?

[bywolves]

Yeah, I do. You want me to understand, but I'm not looking for understanding or a justification, I'm looking for an apology, and I never get it.

[devoutish]

No, I don't mean what I said just now, I mean a long, long time ago - months ago. Back in the winter.

[bywolves]

Is that not what you said months ago? [ He doesn't think he's misremembering, but it was an emotional time. ]

[devoutish]

I might have been. I don't know. But I do know that I told you that I meant it to be a compliment. When you said I spoke to you like how I spoke to my men, and I said I didn't always - I meant that I treated you specially.

[He sags against Royce a little more.]

It's hard to win with you sometimes, mate. Feels like how I do and say things is never good enough for you.

[bywolves]

[ Guilt rises up in his throat and threatens to choke him - and his immediate response is to pull away and run away. To not deal with it. Cold turkey cut Alfie out, nothing is good enough, so fine, let's just not, I'll get a different house and we just won't.

It's an instinct from a long, long time ago, and he has to beat it down. ]

You do things fine most of the time, Alfie, don't. [ And he really thinks that's true - like 95% of the time, Alfie knows exactly what to say to him, it's just. When he doesn't, he really doesn't. His voice is tense and a little upset, because he feels like he's explained this before. ] When I tell you that you are doing something that bothers me, I want you to admit that you do that thing, apologize, and then you can justify it to me.

It makes me angry when you justify first, because it makes me feel like you're not listening to me. It sounds like you are making excuses. Does that make sense? I'm being as clear as I can be.

[devoutish]

It makes sense. Yeah.

[He hears the strain in Royce's voice, and feels the tension in his body, and it makes him tense up too - but he doesn't pull away, either. Doesn't even take his fingers off the back of Royce's hand.]

I'll be honest, mate, I don't entirely understand why it matters so much - that the apology's verbal instead of implied, that it comes before any clear-ups. But I do understand that it's important, and I'll remember that it is.

[And he beats down some frustration, too - the part of him that wants to say Whenever you're upset, you're so quick to assume the worst of me and my motives; is this how you really see me?]

[bywolves]

[ Royce doesn't know why it's important to him either, but the reassurance that Alfie's going to try to remember makes him ease back up, slowly. He turns his hand and holds onto Alfie's, unintentionally digging his nails in. ]

That's all that I want. [ Royce mutters. ] It's just a difference in the way we work. [ There's a pause, and then: ] At least we got one thing figured out.

[devoutish]

I'm still proud of us.

[He says quietly, turning his face to press against Royce's hair for a moment. If the nails bug him at all, he's not showing it.]

People like you and me, we're gonna rankle each other sometimes. If we didn't-- well. I suppose it'd mean we barely knew each other.

[bywolves]

[ There's another pause, and then Royce turns and actually full-on hugs Alfie, clinging at the back of his shirt. ]

Yeah. [ Royce agrees, quietly. Alfie will feel a faint bit of Royce's relief and emotional exhaustion. Like the negativity slowly draining out of him. ]

[devoutish]

Thank you.

[He whispers, hugging him back tightly.]

[bywolves]

I'm sorry, too. [ Royce mumbles, hiding his face against Alfie's neck. ] I'm sorry that I stormed out on you.

[ He lets out a shuddery sigh. ] Even now it's instinct to just leave when something upsets me.

[devoutish]

But you let me find you.

[Because let's face it, the beach wasn't exactly a top-secret hiding spot.]

[bywolves]

I fight that urge a lot. That was me fighting it, because I want to let you in. [ He swallows hard. ] I almost did it again a minute ago. Left.

[devoutish]

I'm glad that you didn't.

[bywolves]

I'm also glad I didn't.

[devoutish]

[Good. Alfie tugs him closer.]

All right now?

[bywolves]

I'm okay. Still... still uneasy, but. [ He murmurs, resting his head against Alfie again. ] Are you?

[devoutish]

Yeah. I'm less uneasy than I was before.

[bywolves]

Yeah. Less uneasy. [ He sounds tired. ] I mostly feel sick, I think.

[devoutish]

Physically or emotionally?

[bywolves]

Both. [ He rubs at his chest again. ] I hate fighting with you.

[devoutish]

I truly believe what I said - that if we didn't fight, it would mean we didn't know each other.

[bywolves]

I believe it too. [ Sigh. ] I still don't like doing it.

[devoutish]

I'm grateful for it, this time.