IC contact for wethelost

[devoutish]

Solomons & Melborn
1108 Sweet Cream Street

[Feel free to use this space for letter/package deliveries as well as visits/knocks on the front door!]

Comments

[devoutish]

Feelings can be wrong! Feelings are wrong all the fucking time! Feelings can be fucking nasty to you, they can trick you, they can do all sorts of things. And when your feelings tell you you're responsible for something you're not, Royce, and that you should feel guilty about it - I am never going to tell you that they're right.

[bywolves]

[ He wants to break something - he can't remember the last time he was this angry. And maybe it's better, maybe it's better to be angry than sad. If he's sad, he cries, and he doesn't want to do that anymore. So he channels it into anger, slamming his hand against the counter and trapping the scream of frustration in his throat. Calm down. Breathe. ]

I don't understand why you'd encourage me to be open with you if you're just going to tell me I'm wrong. I'm trying to figure out if this is worth it, but no, apparently you think I'm too stupid to realize I know I shouldn't feel guilty about this.

[devoutish]

Did you not hear a fucking word I fucking--

[His voice almost breaks so he cuts himself off, and presses the heels of his palms tight to his eyes. He can feel actual tears coming on, which in this situation just feels humiliating and uncharacteristic.]

[bywolves]

I heard you.

I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I do, and I can't change that just because you say I shouldn't. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I don't want to put you through having to deal with my guilt and bad memories, and I am, surprisingly, smart enough to realize that if I went through with the wish, I'd be doing just that. Voluntarily.

[devoutish]

[Alfie rubs a hand down his face, hard.]

You can't change it with a snap of your fingers, but it's not a permanent fucking state, Royce; it can get better. You've gotten better in so many ways, so why not this?

[bywolves]

I'm trying. [ Royce says, his voice wavering. No, no upset. Just anger, and sharpness. ] I'm trying to get it to be better, but I'm also aware of my limits, and I'm not willing to put you through hell, dealing with what I know would happen, just to satisfy my curiosity.

[devoutish]

I worry it would ruin any progress you've made.

[He says, voice quieter now.]

I remember what the MN poisoning did to you.

[bywolves]

Yeah, I remember too. [ He remembers how much Alfie had to do for him, and he never wants it to be that unequal again. ] I don't care about what it did to me as much as I care about what it did to you.

[devoutish]

I care about what it did to the both of us.

[But he thinks it was worse for Royce.

(A little niggling voice reminds him that that's just what he remembers. Who knows how long they were there after? Who knows what happened to them?) ]

[bywolves]

That's great, Alfie, wow. Suddenly, I've changed my entire mindset and outlook and now I suddenly care exactly the same way as you do, just because you said something. Amazing, that's all it took.

[devoutish]

Stop.

[bywolves]

[ His expression sours further. ]

I don't want to put you through having to deal with me.

[devoutish]

I want to deal with each other. Together.

[bywolves]

[ A pause, and he turns around again, anger fading slowly. He faces the sink, head bowed. ]

I want that, too, but we both know that isn't how it'd end up.

[devoutish]

So work on that. We'll do that together, too.

[bywolves]

[ His grip tightens again. He visibly struggles, for a long moment, like he's fighting with himself, and then, like it hurts to say, like it's humiliating: ]

I'm scared to.

[devoutish]

[Alfie's fingers curl, then uncurl - and then he holds out a hand to Royce.]

Do you remember the day you brought me to the beach in the evening?

[They've gone to the beach in the evening plenty of times, but he's thinking of one time in particular - not a time when they'd just decided to go together, but a time when Royce had taken him. He'd been melancholy and broody and generally down in the dumps, and Royce had done it to calm him and do something nice for him.]

[bywolves]

[ Royce doesn't see the hand at first - it takes him a good long moment to actually look over his shoulder, and when he does, he hesitates. He's still holding onto the sink with a deathgrip. ]

... Yes. I do. [ Or at least - he's pretty sure he knows what Alfie is specifying. ]

[devoutish]

I need that from you more than I need guilt, Royce. One hundred times more.

[bywolves]

[ Royce's jaw works, expression a little hurt. ]

I know you do. I don't understand why you think I want to feel guilty, Alfie, I don't. It just happens. I keep telling you that and it doesn't stop just because you tell me I shouldn't.

[devoutish]

I've never thought you want it. I told you, it's a cage, not a badge.

[bywolves]

You can't get out of a cage unless you can break the lock, and I don't have the strength or the key.

[devoutish]

I believe with every bone in my body that you do.

[bywolves]

[ He sighs, and slumps down, closing his eyes. ]

[devoutish]

[Alfie does the same, though he stays standing up. Fuck, he's exhausted.]