devoutish | IC contact for wethelost

[Alfie exhales, leaning back and folding his hands over his stomach.]

We've talked about it extensively, as you might imagine. Yeah. I've got a home there, a family there - a life, and all. But-- well, I've got a life here too now, haven't I? And there are other complications, besides.

[A pause.]

I was very ill, when I came here. Something from before Norfinbury. It's been cured - Royce wished it away, as a matter of fact - but it's the sort of illness that tends to come back.

[He doesn't say cancer, specifically; he has no idea if the disease would mean anything to K.]

[ Cancer unfortunately still exists in the future that K's from, and it's one of the illnesses that immediately comes to mind as Alfie's describing what he had. Unlikely to be radiation poisoning, anyway, and he can't recall many other illnesses that might fit the bill. And cancer recurrence isn't uncommon, but— ]

Wouldn't wishing it away remove all of the cells that could potentially cause it to recur? [ Operating on the assumption that it was cancer or something like it. ] Unless... returning to your homeworld would undo that.

[ Because he isn't sure how permanently Zephyr's able to alter them. It's something he's thought a great deal about himself, in regard to asking Zephyr to grant him free will. ]

I don't know.

[He means that for both possibilities.]

I don't think it's ever been tested. We've talked about me going back and living a few more years there, an then coming back to the Meadous; we've talked about me going back long enough to try to convince my family to come live here. I've fretted over it a great deal, but ever since we got our memories of Norfinbury--

[He shrugs.]

After that, after the choices we had to make there, at the end, all this seems easy by comparison. We've got many more options here.

[ Hearing about it makes K privately grateful his own situation is entirely less complicated. The dubious benefit of having had only two friends in his homeworld, one of who is already in the Meadous. Maybe Zephyr can eventually pull in the other, too. ]

It's good to have options. [ And since they're already on the subject of illnesses and memories of Norfinbury... ] What have the memories— done to you, anyway?

[ He doesn't look toward Alfie's hands again, but he surely knows what K's referring to. The potentially psychosomatic symptoms are of interest to him; he's been dealing with something similar the last several months — psychosomatic headaches. ]

Well, the shakes.

[Which he's pretty sure doesn't actually need to be said, but.]

Nightmares, of course. Anxiety. I'm keeping on, of course; we both are. We're not about to fall apart.

[ With everything that K knows of Norfinbury, the other symptoms are hardly a surprise. Those tremors though... Hopefully they're not permanent. ]

Of course. You already survived it before. [ Stated matter-of-factly; he didn't ask in order to make Alfie feel weak. Then, in a quieter tone: ] But I can imagine it might make Royce feel guilty. [ Because if K were in his place, he knows he'd feel guilty watching his closest friend suffer like that. Especially considering why Alfie wished for the memories in the first place.

He still wishes there was a way for him to help, however small. ]

[A shadow crosses Alfie's face, and his fingers curl more tightly around his mug of tea.]

He didn't want me to do it, at first. Said he wouldn't force me to live though that, and suggested that he drop the idea entirely. We had quite an argument about it.

[He sighs, closing his eyes for just the briefest moment.]

But we're both doing better with it than we worried we would.

[He does worry about Royce's guilt sometimes - worried that it's there, even if he's not voicing it. But he doesn't want to be the one to bring it up, if it's not bothering Royce enough for the effect to be obvious. If he really is dealing with it well, and healthily, harping on it would be a bad thing, right?]

[ These memories of Norfinbury seem like far more hassle than they're worth, just a detriment. He knows better than to say that, though, not wanting to trivialise what either of them are going through. His opinion on the matter is irrelevant, anyway. ]

Does it get disorienting? With the memories being of events you... this you, didn't technically experience directly. [ He can only hope that makes sense. As much sense as this multiverse, multiple timelines business can make sense. ] If I'm understanding things correctly.

Yes. Not as much as I would have expected, I suppose, but yeah, it's disorienting.

[He cuts himself off for just a moment, rubbing at the bridge of his nose.]

In Norfinbury, there was a short period where we were experiencing what you might call alternate realities. Different ways our lives could have gone, you know. I've still got all those memories, and plenty of 'em contradict, but they all feel real enough - still, even now. That, there, is the most disorienting bit of all.

[ Maybe he's pressing Alfie too much, K thinks as he watches him. It had been helpful, the way Royce had once pointed out that he asks a lot of questions — a surprisingly polite way of telling him to stop without simply ending the conversation. He's tried to be more mindful about not interrogating people since then. ]

Were any of the alternate realities pleasant ones? It's Norfinbury, so I'm assuming not, but... [ He tilts his head. Here's hoping there were moments of relief amidst the seemingly endless torture and death that went on. ] It sounds very interesting, at least.

Not truly pleasant, but relatively so. Yeah. People can get used to nearly anything, and they can find space to rest, as well. But--

[Here he raises an eyebrow.]

I wouldn't say that interesting is the word I would use, mate.

[ Getting to experience alternate realities seems interesting to him, anyway, assuming it wouldn't just be a forced exercise in torture. Which maybe it was, judging by Alfie's reaction to that. ]

The possibilities seem interesting. Not the torture aspects. [ Or whatever other nefarious purpose it must've served. ] Unless that's all it was. [ ...Maybe it was tactless to comment on it at all. ]

I assure you, it's less interesting when it's your life. Even now, I'm a bit mixed up over it.

[He touches the side of his head. Memories upon contradicting memories, tangled timelines... he would rather have done without all of it.]

Where did you come here from, then?

Oh. [ An awkward pause. ] Nearly all of my memories are false implants of lives I've never lived, without a clear chronology. [ So maybe little wonder why experiencing alternate lives that are actually his seems so interesting to him. Maybe he should've mentioned that first. ]

Not an intermediary world like that as far as I know. My homeworld. [ Which admittedly might as well be Norfinbury in places. Sort of. ] Another alternate Earth, in the 2040s. There were several world wars before my time... Nuclear winter, toxic rain and snow. The humans who can afford it live in off-world colonies. They suffer the effects of the ruined environment more than my kind do.

[ He tilts his head. Probably can't hurt to mention: ] Humans are solely responsible for causing it. [ Not AIs or androids. Androids were employed as slave labour to fight the off-world wars and settle space colonies in brutal conditions, though, of course. ]

[Alfie nods, not surprised; people coming straight from home might be pretty unusual here, but it's not unheard of.

How'd you end up with implanted memories? Is that commonly done with androids?

Only common for my model. It's thought to give us increased stability, mentally and emotionally. [ He raises his eyebrows. In other words: ] Easier to control. It must work, I haven't heard of other Nexus-9s killing humans except under orders. Different story with earlier models.

Mm. That's odd; it seems to me it would give you less stability, all that rattling around inside you.

I can't say I fully understand the science behind it myself. Maybe if I had access to the studies. [ Which of course no android would be given. ] I'm assuming this wasn't the case with the— artificial beings you've run into before?

Not that I know of, but I didn't know any of 'em well.

[Even the ones that had also been prisoner in Norfinbury - Luna, Jack - he'd been suspicious of, and for what he feels were good reasons.]

Were you wary because of what they are? [ Maybe he shouldn't ask that, but he wants to know. ] Or just didn't get along with them well? I mean the ones who weren't holding you captive there.

[ Being wary of the admin is obviously understandable. ]

Both.

[He says honestly. He's not one to sugarcoat unpleasant truths.]

There was one-- I got along all right with her, I suppose. But I did trust her less when I found out what she was, and I trusted her even less still when I found out some of what she'd been involved with at home.

[ Having already guessed that was the case, the only part that's surprising to K is that Alfie apparently got along with one of them. ]

What was that?

[Alfie shakes his head.]

That's not so important, now; it was a long time ago, and I only knew half of it, really. The details are fuzzy.

[ Fair enough. Might be a polite lie, might be the truth, it doesn't matter much either way. ]

You've come a long way, inviting one to have tea with you in your home. [ His tone's teasing. He's not holding the past robophobia against Alfie. ] One that, for the sake of full disclosure, is also usually armed out of habit.

[ Which doesn't mean a whole lot when he can't harm humans of his own volition anyway. It is just habit; he feels off-balance without the shoulder holster. ]

IC contact for wethelost

cw: cancer

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