IC contact for wethelost

[devoutish]

Solomons & Melborn
1108 Sweet Cream Street

[Feel free to use this space for letter/package deliveries as well as visits/knocks on the front door!]

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[devoutish]

I do.

[He leans their foreheads together, closing his eyes.]

Is it-- does it help to hear me say how much I respect you, or would it help more to feel it?

[bywolves]

I know how much you do, Alfie, it's not about that. If you want to show me, I won't say no.

[devoutish]

[Hey, he won't turn down that opportunity. Have some feelings of stark admiration, Royce - for his accomplishments, his mind, his physical strength, and also for some more minor things like his wit, too. Alfie really appreciates how well they bounce off each other when they're goofing off - not to mention when they're teaming up against someone like House.]

[bywolves]

[ It feels - nice. It's a boost, and he takes it, but he won't turn on his emotions in return, not right now. Not yet. He rubs at his chest, swallowing hard - rubs at where, if Alfie was paying particular attention, that ball of negativity was lurking. ]

I know. [ Royce says, quietly. ] I knew all of this. But - thank you.

[devoutish]

Yeah. But you still feel I'm condescending towards you?

[bywolves]

It's because you sound that way. You can respect me like that, and still sound like you're dismissing me.

I've brought this up before. When I say "You do this," you reply with "But not always." [ Massage, massage. ] Right now. I'm upset with you because I wanted to offer you some sort of comfort when I felt your worry. You pushed me away. And when I told you that's what you always tell me not to do, you blew me off.

[ His voice is raw and honest and - vaguely embarrassed, now: ] Most times, Alfie, I just want you to understand what you did to upset me and apologize. That's all.

[devoutish]

I am sorry.

[He puts his hand over Royce's - not trying to stop the movement, but resting his fingers along the back of it.]

But I want you to understand why I did it.

[bywolves]

[ The sorry loosens something in him, and he does stop the movement of his hand, staring down at their hands together. ]

Understand why you did what?

[devoutish]

Why I told you I didn't want you to worry, and why I told you that I felt it was different from the times you've shut down. The stuff I explained before.

[bywolves]

It's not different, to me.

[devoutish]

It's less different now that I know how you feel about things - with Gwen, and all. The differences felt bigger when I thought the most important thing was making it so you didn't feel I wanted to come between you and your wife.

[bywolves]

I don't think you want to come between me and Gwen. Never have. [ A beat. ] Don't call her my wife. We're not married. Not yet.

[ It just feels dishonest, in this moment, and the word itself lends distance. You and your wife puts a yawning chasm in between him and Alfie and Royce doesn't want that. ]

[devoutish]

Fiancée, then?

[bywolves]

That's... that's better, I suppose. [ He says, shifting. ] I don't want you to partner us off, mostly.

[devoutish]

And I'm still wrapping my head around that, because--

[Because they've been partnered off for as long as Alfie has known Royce, and he has trouble imagining them as anything but.]

[bywolves]

Because we are partnered off, I know, but - I don't want you to find every possible piece of distance you can and put it between me and you.

[devoutish]

Mm.

[He nods. Pauses for a moment.]

What you said earlier - the bit about me saying "but not always".

[bywolves]

Yeah. What about it?

[devoutish]

Do you remember what I said when you brought it up last time?

[bywolves]

Yeah, I do. You want me to understand, but I'm not looking for understanding or a justification, I'm looking for an apology, and I never get it.

[devoutish]

No, I don't mean what I said just now, I mean a long, long time ago - months ago. Back in the winter.

[bywolves]

Is that not what you said months ago? [ He doesn't think he's misremembering, but it was an emotional time. ]

[devoutish]

I might have been. I don't know. But I do know that I told you that I meant it to be a compliment. When you said I spoke to you like how I spoke to my men, and I said I didn't always - I meant that I treated you specially.

[He sags against Royce a little more.]

It's hard to win with you sometimes, mate. Feels like how I do and say things is never good enough for you.

[bywolves]

[ Guilt rises up in his throat and threatens to choke him - and his immediate response is to pull away and run away. To not deal with it. Cold turkey cut Alfie out, nothing is good enough, so fine, let's just not, I'll get a different house and we just won't.

It's an instinct from a long, long time ago, and he has to beat it down. ]

You do things fine most of the time, Alfie, don't. [ And he really thinks that's true - like 95% of the time, Alfie knows exactly what to say to him, it's just. When he doesn't, he really doesn't. His voice is tense and a little upset, because he feels like he's explained this before. ] When I tell you that you are doing something that bothers me, I want you to admit that you do that thing, apologize, and then you can justify it to me.

It makes me angry when you justify first, because it makes me feel like you're not listening to me. It sounds like you are making excuses. Does that make sense? I'm being as clear as I can be.

[devoutish]

It makes sense. Yeah.

[He hears the strain in Royce's voice, and feels the tension in his body, and it makes him tense up too - but he doesn't pull away, either. Doesn't even take his fingers off the back of Royce's hand.]

I'll be honest, mate, I don't entirely understand why it matters so much - that the apology's verbal instead of implied, that it comes before any clear-ups. But I do understand that it's important, and I'll remember that it is.

[And he beats down some frustration, too - the part of him that wants to say Whenever you're upset, you're so quick to assume the worst of me and my motives; is this how you really see me?]