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[devoutish]

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[devoutish]

[Alfie tangles his own fingers in Royce's hair, squeezing Royce with his other hand.]

There you go.

[bywolves]

[ Deep breath. Finally. Finally, he manages, and when he does, his white-knuckled grip over his mouth eases up, and slides down off his face. It takes him a minute to speak, and when he does, he's hoarse, leftover scared. ]

It - it reminded me. [ He doesn't explain, but he thinks Alfie might understand. ]

[devoutish]

I'm sorry, mate.

[He tightens his grip on Royce's hand, just a little.]

[bywolves]

Don't be. [ Royce says, after another moment, reaching up to rub at his face, at his eyes. This is different, he thinks. It feels different than before, because it feels at all. He's scared and upset, but Alfie's comforting, too. It's not just desolate, hopeless, numbness. ] I didn't hurt you, did I?

[devoutish]

You've got a powerful kick.

[He says wryly. Then he pauses, adding:]

I am sorry, Royce. Let me be.

[bywolves]

Sorry. [ He mutters, massaging at the bridge of his nose. A shivery sniff, like the kind that comes with held-back tears. ]

I'm - I'm okay. I feel it. [ It's weird. ]

[devoutish]

[He mutters an under-the-breath fuck off at the apology, pulling his hand out of Royce's hair to snake his arm around his shoulders instead.]

I'm glad of it.

[bywolves]

[ Royce curls in close, resting his head against Alfie's shoulder, bringing his arm up to wrap tightly around Alfie's shoulder, his neck, just breathing. ]

Fuck. [ He says finally, voice breaking, and he almost laughs with it, a shivery, upset curse that just - gets at how he feels, he thinks. ]

[devoutish]

Mm, yeah. "Fuck" is fucking right.

[He kisses the top of Royce's head. His poor boo.]

[bywolves]

[ He's crying, he thinks - but it's not sobs, and it's almost not something he can stop. It's nothing dramatic, either. In fact, it's almost relieved. His shoulders tremble every so often, and his breath is a little shaky and wet, but... he's okay. It feels better to feel it.

To let it drain out, and not stuff it down. Quietly: ]

I'm glad you weren't there the first time. [ With the torture. ] I can't - tell you how glad. I - mar's sake, I'm scared, I -- I forgot.

[devoutish]

[He brushes a tear away with his thumb - a casual movement, not meant to be commented on and definitely not meant to make Royce feel embarrassed.]

When it was happening, the first time, I wished I was there.

[bywolves]

[ It's good. It's okay. Alfie wipes his tear away and Royce lets out a long, steadying sigh. ]

It would've made this worse. [ He says, curling his fingers into Alfie's shirt. ] Both of us would be having nightmares like this.

[devoutish]

Yeah. But now my nightmares are about being helpless and watching you get tortured, mate. Fucking tortured.

[bywolves]

You have nightmares about me being tortured? [ A beat. That... makes sense, he guesses. ] Because you watched.

[ Royce turns to press his face against Alfie's neck. ] You... [ He hesitates. ]

[devoutish]

[Alfie looks down at him, beard scraping against Royce's cheek.]

Yeah?

[bywolves]

I don't know. [ A deep breath. ] I don't know how to put into words how that makes me feel.

[devoutish]

Not guilty, I hope.

[bywolves]

Not, not... really. Grateful, I think.

[devoutish]

[Awww.]

I have nightmares about you being tortured quite a lot, mate.

[bywolves]

[ That makes him wince, a little. ]

That - that's straying into guilty territory, Alfie.

[devoutish]

No, no. Means I care about you.

[bywolves]

I know it does. That doesn't mean it doesn't upset me at least a little to know I'm the source of some of your nightmares.

[devoutish]

You are not the source. You're the subject. They're the source.

[bywolves]

[ Sigh. ] Okay, okay.

I know you care about me. And I know that you know it's hard for me to... to care as deeply as I do about anything as much as I do you. [ He swallows hard. ] And how hard it is to say out loud.

[devoutish]

You just did.

[In a really sweet way, too.]