devoutish | IC contact for wethelost

[And so Alfie shares, too: shares how, despite knowing how much Royce loves him, this is an area where he fears vulnerability; fears being foolish; even sort of fears his feelings that he doesn't have much of a frame of reference for. Hates how he, who prides himself on knowing himself and his world well, finds himself in unfamiliar territory here, and it's scary in a way that he isn't really used to dealing with.]

[ Royce echoes the feeling of being scared of being in unfamiliar territory. It's there, but he's... used to being thrown into it without warning. He's used to his life changing immediately. There's a long pause. ]

I'm sorry you're scared. [ Royce says very quietly, only just barely audible over the waves. He still hurts, though - it's still there, under everything, because he knows his own feelings on this are going to be brushed off. Maybe it isn't fair to assume, but it's how he feels. ]

[Alfie steps closer - close enough to hold out a hand to him.]

[ He doesn't look down, but he reaches out to take the hand offered to him. ]

[Alfie squeezes his hand.]

Thank you.

We're neither of us used to this.

[ He's still got his hood up, looking out at the ocean. ]

I am. [ He says. There's a little part of him that's indignant, upset still, and it's guiding his words. ] I'm used to being thrown into unfamiliar and unwelcome territory and having to figure out how to land on my feet. This is just another time that I have to figure out how to handle.

You're not so used to it when it's too do feelings and relationships, though, are you. It's enough to make me feel like a little boy again.

[ A flash of annoyance runs through him, which he pushes down. ]

Makes you act like one, too, apparently.

[Alfie pulls his hand away. So much for trying to reach out and open up.]

[ He doesn't want to back down, is all. He always does. He always gives in and lets it be, and he's - angry, he's angry because he feels like his offer of help was rejected, slapped down. It's always this way, he thinks, pulling in on himself. When they disagree, Royce gives in.

Alfie gets to be rude to him and it's fine, Royce should forgive him, but when Royce isn't quick to forgive, it's a problem, and he feels it, intensely, feels like this is unfair, and Alfie gets to feel it too. ]

You don't get to be an asshole to me because you're afraid.

[Alfie snaps:]

You're the one who just said what you said, Royce. You think I'm being rude, you think I'm being unfair - but I haven't sniped at you and I didn't storm out of the fucking house.

You are doing what you get angry at me for! [ And this is - unusual, Royce raising his voice, because he doesn't normally. He snipes, and picks, but he never yells, and right now, he's getting to yelling. ] You have a problem, I ask you what's wrong, and then you insist I ignore that problem, that it isn't a big deal, and I'm trying to offer my help and you just throw it in my face, make me the bad guy!

[ He actually stands, fists clenched. He's angry and his voice just keeps getting louder. ] I do my best this days to sort it out and then watch as you explain away behavior that upsets me without a damn care in the world. I can't turn off being concerned about you, Alfie Solomons, and you don't get to brush me off because you're embarrassed that you feel vulnerable!

[Alfie, in true Alfie fashion, doesn't flinch or shrink away when Royce yells - but he doesn't go on the offensive either, which is unusual for him. He listens, shoulders tense, but he doesn't fire back.]

You've got it wrong.

[He says, finally.]

My motivations - you've got them wrong.

[ Royce is expecting a full on shouting match, which is why he falters when Alfie doesn't bite back. He hesitates, staring down at Alfie. ]

What? [ He asks, voice cracking slightly. ]

I have never once thought of you as the bad guy; the villain. I was never angry when you showed concern - nor irritated, nor unaware, nor ungrateful.

Yeah, well, when you talk to me the way you did it feels that way, and don't - say a gods-damned word about it, because you gave me that excuse earlier and I don't want to hear it about how it isn't okay when I say it but it is when you do.

It's also not true that I don't care that it upsets you.

Then why do you act like it doesn't?

It seems to me I've done the opposite. The reason why I didn't want to say anything about it in the first place, Royce, was because I knew it would upset you.

[ He could hit something. He feels like it, a burst of the urge to do violence to something. ]

It upsets me more that you're trying to keep it away from me! I am not upset about the fact that you think things are going to change, I'm not upset that you're scared, I'm upset because the way you're presenting this is stupid. I am angry at you because you're being an asshole about talking about this.

How? How am I being an asshole, Royce?

[Now there's a little frustration bleeding in.]

I'm standing here as you rail at me, trying to share my feelings and make my point of view understood-- what would be preferable to you?

Not right now. Before. In the treehouse. I asked you what was wrong, and you shut me down. You talk to me like this is a deal, like we're negotiating business.

[ In Alfie's accent: ] You felt me get upset, but you're not going to do anything about it, okay? End of story, don't ask. I don't want you getting overly concerned about my feelings, despite the fact that we're friends.

[ And then, normal again: ] You don't want me to worry about it, but I already am worried about it, and I'd hoped we could figure it out together instead of you shutting me out. Isn't that what you're always getting on me about?

It feels, to me, like a different sort of situation.

[Because Royce is married, because it's related to Gwen, because it seems brutally selfish, unfair, and - yes - pathetic to ask Royce to help him figure out where he stands in his relationship with him and his wife.]

It isn't. [ Royce says, voice breaking again. ] I worry about it too. About what will change.

You worry that she won't understand.

[He repeats.]

Yeah.

IC contact for wethelost

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