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[devoutish]

Yeah?

[That's it, that's all you get.]

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[devoutish]

You couldn't pass cancer on to Mercy and Hadrian.

[That, at least, bears repeating.]

[bywolves]

Even if that's true, Mercy doesn't need to see the parent she has left die slowly.

[devoutish]

It's better than--

[He cuts himself off.]

[bywolves]

Better than what?

[devoutish]

Than never seeing you again.

[Not when she's only just found him.]

[bywolves]

[ His jaw tenses. ]

She barely knows me. Might be better if she grows up without me.

[devoutish]

[Alfie doesn't have an argument against that beyond his gut reaction of no it wouldn't, and so he goes quiet. He doesn't want to talk about this either, but they always end up circling back to something depressing eventually. It's hard not to. Every conversation topic seems to inevitably lead to it.]

I wish I could make you feel things.

[bywolves]

[ Royce closes his eyes. ]

I know. [ He takes a deep breath, breathing it out slow, because even if he can't feel, he still knows how rough the constant circle of hurt after pain after hurt is for both of them. He doesn't know how to make it better. ] So much has happened. I think --

I think it's better that I don't, right now. That much all at once...

[ He trails off. ]

[devoutish]

Yeah.

[And he sees that angle of it. God knows he has plenty of times when he wishes he could turn of his feelings.]

But you've got flashes of it sometimes, don't you; sometimes you can relax a bit. I've seen you smile, laugh.

[He's seen him hold Gwen's scarf to his cheek and cry.]

[bywolves]

Mm. It comes back, sometimes. Fades in and out. [ Royce reaches to rub at his chest absently, massaging his sternum. ] Talking helps, strangely enough. Get stuck in my own head too often.

[devoutish]

That's not strange, mate. That's normal.

[His gaze follows Royce's hand, looking at the outline of the twine under his shirt.]

[bywolves]

I don't normally like talking. [ Might as well be honest. His fingers run over the outline of twine a bit. ]

[devoutish]

Really? You don't?

[Alfie widens his eyes, faking surprise.]

[bywolves]

[ Royce glances over at Alfie. His lips twitch at the corners. ]

Four months and you're just now figuring that out? [ He's teasing, and it's clear. ]

[devoutish]

I thought you were just being polite, by not talking my ear off.

[bywolves]

I was making up for all the times the mania had me speaking in paragraphs.

[devoutish]

[Alfie puts on his best Royce accent.]

Solomons. Solomons, get up. You've been sleeping for four hours, wake up, it's morning. Solomons.

[bywolves]

[ rUDE, ALFIE ]

You sleep past the doors unlocking constantly, Solomons, someone has to get you out of bed.

[devoutish]

Solomons, it's three hours until lockdown ends; why aren't you up yet?

[bywolves]

[ In his best Alfie impression - which is hard to do because he's trying not to smile- Royce parrots back: ] Fuck off Royce. I'm sleeping, yeah. Shame you're not still in bed so I can drool on you.

[devoutish]

I've never drooled on you.

[He's... 95% sure of that.]

[bywolves]

Not that you know of.

[devoutish]

If I had, you would have complained about it.

[bywolves]

What do you think I'm doing right now?

[devoutish]

No, I would have heard about it long before now.

Besides, you kick.

[This may or may not be true.]