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[devoutish]

Yeah?

[That's it, that's all you get.]

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[devoutish]

But you did. And I'm glad of it.

[bywolves]

You keep doing that. [ It's not an accusation or anything like that, he's just - pointing it out. A little distantly, a little amused, still. ]

[devoutish]

Doing what?

[bywolves]

Telling me that you're glad I exist.

[devoutish]

Why the fuck shouldn't I, eh? It's nice to say, nice to hear, and entirely truthful.

[bywolves]

I'm not going to stop you. [ Royce says mildly. ] It's just familiar.

[devoutish]

Is it?

[He'd thought it wouldn't be, honestly, but if it is then he's glad for it.]

cw: suicide mention

[bywolves]

Hadrian does it, sometimes. [ Royce glances at Alfie. ] He pushed it harder after Gwen.

[ Because Hadrian knew him well enough to predict when and how Royce was going to try and kill himself, in that tower after Gwen died. Alfie's starting to pick up on stuff like that too. ]

[devoutish]

Good.

[Alfie nudges him with a knee -and then hurriedly remembers the recording tablet, and turns it off. He'll do more video memory shit when Royce isn't being sad about his dead wife.]

Good.

[bywolves]

Too depressing? [ Royce asks wryly, after Alfie's turned the video off. He's in a weird mood. Too apathetic to feel sad. ]

[devoutish]

I didn't think you'd want to...

[He gestures to tablet.]

Not while you were talking about her.

[bywolves]

I don't want to talk about her. [ Royce sighs. ] I don't want to talk about home. Especially not after the chat we had with Gabriel.

[devoutish]

You couldn't pass cancer on to Mercy and Hadrian.

[That, at least, bears repeating.]

[bywolves]

Even if that's true, Mercy doesn't need to see the parent she has left die slowly.

[devoutish]

It's better than--

[He cuts himself off.]

[bywolves]

Better than what?

[devoutish]

Than never seeing you again.

[Not when she's only just found him.]

[bywolves]

[ His jaw tenses. ]

She barely knows me. Might be better if she grows up without me.

[devoutish]

[Alfie doesn't have an argument against that beyond his gut reaction of no it wouldn't, and so he goes quiet. He doesn't want to talk about this either, but they always end up circling back to something depressing eventually. It's hard not to. Every conversation topic seems to inevitably lead to it.]

I wish I could make you feel things.

[bywolves]

[ Royce closes his eyes. ]

I know. [ He takes a deep breath, breathing it out slow, because even if he can't feel, he still knows how rough the constant circle of hurt after pain after hurt is for both of them. He doesn't know how to make it better. ] So much has happened. I think --

I think it's better that I don't, right now. That much all at once...

[ He trails off. ]

[devoutish]

Yeah.

[And he sees that angle of it. God knows he has plenty of times when he wishes he could turn of his feelings.]

But you've got flashes of it sometimes, don't you; sometimes you can relax a bit. I've seen you smile, laugh.

[He's seen him hold Gwen's scarf to his cheek and cry.]

[bywolves]

Mm. It comes back, sometimes. Fades in and out. [ Royce reaches to rub at his chest absently, massaging his sternum. ] Talking helps, strangely enough. Get stuck in my own head too often.

[devoutish]

That's not strange, mate. That's normal.

[His gaze follows Royce's hand, looking at the outline of the twine under his shirt.]

[bywolves]

I don't normally like talking. [ Might as well be honest. His fingers run over the outline of twine a bit. ]

[devoutish]

Really? You don't?

[Alfie widens his eyes, faking surprise.]