IC contact for wethelost

[devoutish]

Solomons & Melborn
1108 Sweet Cream Street

[Feel free to use this space for letter/package deliveries as well as visits/knocks on the front door!]

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[devoutish]

[Alfie shivers again, then lets go of Royce's hand so that he can wrap his arms around him, holding on tightly.]

I feel your fear, mate, but I don't know what you're scared of. And the sadness, the dread--

[He can make some guesses, even educated ones, but he'd rather hear it - or feel it - from Royce.]

[bywolves]

I don't know what I'm scared of either. [ Royce admits, a bit helpless. ] And - and the rest of it, I.

It's been building since before Renart and I got drunk. It keeps getting worse as time goes.

[devoutish]

Is it of time?

[Alfie says gently, prodding.]

Of being alone?

[bywolves]

Maybe. [ The anxiety spikes, cold and painful, constricts around his heart and lungs. He feels breathless from it. ] I don't want to be alone anymore. I used to. And then I found all of you. And I don't want it anymore.

[devoutish]

[Alfie hesitates, and then shares just a little sliver of his own feeling - the fierce, desperate wish that he also has for Royce not to be alone.]

[bywolves]

[ He feels it, and it isn't his own. It's strong, strong enough to break through Royce's wall of fright that has him tense and upset. He swallows hard, trying to push the ball of dread in his throat back down, but he can't. Feels like it's choking him. ]

I know. [ Royce says, low and voice breaking a little. ] I know you don't want me to be alone, either.

[devoutish]

[There's a little something else sneaking in there too, lurking in the background. It's to do with Royce's idea of extending Alfie's life - and rather than the steadfast negative feelings he might have expected, there are actually feelings of ambivalence. Curiosity. Wondering what it would be like.

Alfie doesn't mention any of that, though; he might not even know that it's leaking through. He just pulls Royce closer to him, curling a little onto his side.]

[bywolves]

[ Oh, Alfie. Royce's emotions recoil back just a little at finding that. He doesn't want that hope. He just wants to get used to the idea that Alfie's going to die, and get to a point where he can be okay with it. Alfie might feel Royce shrinking back emotionally, dimming down a bit instinctively. ]

[devoutish]

What?

[He murmurs, pulling back to look at his face.]

What is it?

[bywolves]

[ He looks away, guilt churning up into the middle of the dread and sadness. ]

You don't hate the idea of extending your life.

[devoutish]

[Alfie exhales, surprised.]

-- You felt that?

[bywolves]

Just a hint of it. [ Voice cracking, guilt intensifying: ] I can't, Alfie. You can't let me hope.

[devoutish]

[Alfie opens his mouth to speak, but doesn't say anything. Confusion, worry, frustration, more ambivalence - it all courses through him.]

[bywolves]

[ It reminds him of when his poisoning was wearing off. When he felt everything like it was brand new, feeling it for the first time. It's a bit much. ]

Please talk. I don't know how to sort through - through all of that. [ A bit of panic, now, just a tinge of an undertone. ]

[devoutish]

I'm sorry.

[He says, voice a little strained.]

I haven't got words for all of it. I'm trying to--

[The feelings from Alfie stop abruptly.]

[bywolves]

[ And just as suddenly, Royce shuts his own off, taking a deep breath. He feels cold, and he actually shivers, biting his bottom lip. It hadn't necessarily been bad, the exchange, it was just a lot. ]

[devoutish]

All right?

[Alfie rests his forehead against Royce's cheek, closing his eyes.]

[bywolves]

Yeah. [ He squeezes Alfie's hand. ] Are you?

[ He'd felt that frustration, and it worries him. ]

[devoutish]

Mm. Can I show you something else?

[bywolves]

[ A pause, and then he nods a bit. Show him. ]

[devoutish]

[He opens up his mind again, and this time, the feelings are more concentrated - and they're all about Royce. Royce, and how spectacular he is; how intelligent, perceptive, and witty. How he can be hard in the times when he needs to be, and how he doesn't shrink away from those times, but how he can be so tender and caring, too. How he knows Alfie better than anyone, and how Alfie trusts him implicitly. How deserving he is of that trust. How strong he is, in all the ways that matter - mentally, physically, and emotionally, as good at toughing out difficult situations as he is at effortlessly climbing trees. How the best part of every day is lying down and resting with him. Royce, Royce, Royce. Love, love, love.]

[bywolves]

[ Oh.

It hits him like a semi-truck. He gasps a bit with it, expression shocked and a little overwhelmed. There's so much of it, so much that he feels like he's drowning. He's known that Gwen loves him, that Hadrian loves him, that Alfie loves him, but he's never experienced it like this before and he honestly has no idea how to react. His hand finds his chest, holding at the fabric of his shirt over his heart. He just stares at Alfie, utterly speechless. Love, love, love.

The ball of dread dissolves, just a little, making it easier to breathe. ]

[devoutish]

[Alfie's eyes are still closed, face still resting against Royce's head. He's concentrating hard, wanting to make sure the right things come out and the wrong things stay in. Wanting to make sure that, despite all the complications and frustrations and uncertainties, at least this is clear and obvious.]

[bywolves]

[ Royce very cautiously lets Alfie feel a sense of - relief. Acceptance. He knows, and thank you. His grip on Alfie's hand is maybe tight enough to cut off circulation, and the breath he drags in is shivering and unsteady, completely off balance. ]

[devoutish]

Yeah?

[He says, almost inaudibly. It worked? It helped?]