IC contact for wethelost

[devoutish]

Solomons & Melborn
1108 Sweet Cream Street

[Feel free to use this space for letter/package deliveries as well as visits/knocks on the front door!]

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[bywolves]

[ He thinks about it for a moment, and then reaches to take Alfie's hand. ]

Do you?

[devoutish]

I don't know the details of what's going on in your head right now, mate.

[He curls his fingers around Royce's.]

I wouldn't know where to start.

[bywolves]

That's why I think this is important to do. [ Royce says, resting his head on Alfie's shoulder, now. ] I don't know where to start, either. But if you feel what I do, we can figure it out.

[devoutish]

All right.

[A beat.]

Yeah, all right. Go on, then.

[bywolves]

[ Royce holds Alfie's hand tightly, and opens himself up to letting Alfie feel how Royce feels.

There's a lot, at once. He's relaxed, because he's sitting with Alfie, because it's a relief to be here, but he's nervous, too. The nerves curl around and cover most of his emotion, sparking here and there. But most of all, it's... heaviness. It's a sad, weighty feeling, like a rock at the bottom of his stomach. He's not on the verge of crying, but the sensation, the dread and fright and anxiety all balled up into a tiny, tight ball that feels ready to explode at any second - it's stuck, between his lungs and up into his throat. It burns and it makes him feel sick, if he focuses on it. It's longing and wanting, a need for a solution he can't find. Loss.

It's intense. In fact, it might be startling to Alfie, considering how calm Royce is on the outside. It'd make a man less accustomed to horror and trauma scream. ]

[devoutish]

[It doesn't make Alfie scream, but it does make him shiver. He braces himself against the chair with his free hand and squeezes Royce's fingers tightly with the other, hoping that it comes across more as trying to give support than trying to take it.]

Okay.

[He whispers, trying to keep his breathing steady.]

Okay.

[bywolves]

[ Royce closes his eyes. ]

Yeah. [ He's silent, just letting Alfie feel it. The longer the silence goes, the more his nerves build, the more frightened he feels. ]

[devoutish]

[Alfie shivers again, then lets go of Royce's hand so that he can wrap his arms around him, holding on tightly.]

I feel your fear, mate, but I don't know what you're scared of. And the sadness, the dread--

[He can make some guesses, even educated ones, but he'd rather hear it - or feel it - from Royce.]

[bywolves]

I don't know what I'm scared of either. [ Royce admits, a bit helpless. ] And - and the rest of it, I.

It's been building since before Renart and I got drunk. It keeps getting worse as time goes.

[devoutish]

Is it of time?

[Alfie says gently, prodding.]

Of being alone?

[bywolves]

Maybe. [ The anxiety spikes, cold and painful, constricts around his heart and lungs. He feels breathless from it. ] I don't want to be alone anymore. I used to. And then I found all of you. And I don't want it anymore.

[devoutish]

[Alfie hesitates, and then shares just a little sliver of his own feeling - the fierce, desperate wish that he also has for Royce not to be alone.]

[bywolves]

[ He feels it, and it isn't his own. It's strong, strong enough to break through Royce's wall of fright that has him tense and upset. He swallows hard, trying to push the ball of dread in his throat back down, but he can't. Feels like it's choking him. ]

I know. [ Royce says, low and voice breaking a little. ] I know you don't want me to be alone, either.

[devoutish]

[There's a little something else sneaking in there too, lurking in the background. It's to do with Royce's idea of extending Alfie's life - and rather than the steadfast negative feelings he might have expected, there are actually feelings of ambivalence. Curiosity. Wondering what it would be like.

Alfie doesn't mention any of that, though; he might not even know that it's leaking through. He just pulls Royce closer to him, curling a little onto his side.]

[bywolves]

[ Oh, Alfie. Royce's emotions recoil back just a little at finding that. He doesn't want that hope. He just wants to get used to the idea that Alfie's going to die, and get to a point where he can be okay with it. Alfie might feel Royce shrinking back emotionally, dimming down a bit instinctively. ]

[devoutish]

What?

[He murmurs, pulling back to look at his face.]

What is it?

[bywolves]

[ He looks away, guilt churning up into the middle of the dread and sadness. ]

You don't hate the idea of extending your life.

[devoutish]

[Alfie exhales, surprised.]

-- You felt that?

[bywolves]

Just a hint of it. [ Voice cracking, guilt intensifying: ] I can't, Alfie. You can't let me hope.

[devoutish]

[Alfie opens his mouth to speak, but doesn't say anything. Confusion, worry, frustration, more ambivalence - it all courses through him.]

[bywolves]

[ It reminds him of when his poisoning was wearing off. When he felt everything like it was brand new, feeling it for the first time. It's a bit much. ]

Please talk. I don't know how to sort through - through all of that. [ A bit of panic, now, just a tinge of an undertone. ]

[devoutish]

I'm sorry.

[He says, voice a little strained.]

I haven't got words for all of it. I'm trying to--

[The feelings from Alfie stop abruptly.]

[bywolves]

[ And just as suddenly, Royce shuts his own off, taking a deep breath. He feels cold, and he actually shivers, biting his bottom lip. It hadn't necessarily been bad, the exchange, it was just a lot. ]

[devoutish]

All right?

[Alfie rests his forehead against Royce's cheek, closing his eyes.]

[bywolves]

Yeah. [ He squeezes Alfie's hand. ] Are you?

[ He'd felt that frustration, and it worries him. ]